The Pastor and His Family in Peru

Dr. Ramesh Richard does more than wish the world could get better. He goes out to a couple of different countries every year to make it better by training local pastors in their biblical preaching, evangelism and personal godly living. Next week, I’ll be joining the RREACH team in Lima, Peru to offer twelve hours of teaching on “The Pastor and His Family.” My personal conviction is that a pastor needs to know how to manage his own family before he can manage a church. But I really don’t know these people. So I’m going with an attitude of presenting some basic family principles from the Bible and then see how they work them out into their own culture. I have a hunch that I’m going to learn at least as much as they do. One of my challenges is to create an open atmosphere of personal honesty to a group of people who may be very proud and private. Another challenge is to come to them with an attitude of humility so they feel encouraged rather than criticized.

Here’s the outline we’ll be working through.

I. The Biblical Importance of Family

II. The Pastor and His Family

A. What is a healthy, godly family

B. How are sins passed on to the third and fourth generations? (Exodus 34:6-7)

C. How to break unhealthy patterns of the past.

III. The Pastor and His Marriage

A. God’s model for marriage

B. How to maintain a good marriage

IV. The Pastor and His Children

A. What if the only picture of God your children ever received was your life?

B. How important are children in God’s eyes?

C. What does it mean “train up a child in the way he should go” (Prov. 22:6)?

D. Treat your children in a manner that fits their age

E. Discipline: Do’s and Don’ts

F. Balance “Challenge” with “Comfort”

G. How much “instruction” does your child need?

V. The Pastor and His Personal Purity

A. The dangers of power

B. The dangers of public life

C. The need for accountability

 

I have a personal philosophy that says “Whenever you go outside your own comfort zone and experience how others do life, you come back a richer man, better equipped to do life better at the local level.” I hope that will prove a reality for this trip.

From Russia, with Vision

He seemed like just an ordinary nice guy when he sat down to have lunch with me last week. Then Vasily Dmitrievsky introduced himself and I knew I was in for a treat. I met a man with a vision. Vasily graduated from Dallas Seminary with a Master of Theology in 2006 and is again in Dallas for several weeks this summer to complete some additional course work. His wife and children are still back in Russia because it would have been too expensive to bring them. He talked to me about reverse culture shock. For example, during the four years he was here, prices in Russia had inflated four times. So when he returned “home” in 2006, he had to pay $800 for the same thing that had cost only $200 earlier. Politics change. The church changes because the needs of the people become more basic. Wow! My eyes were opened.

Vasily is a missionary with e3 Partners Ministry. The three e’s come from “Equip” which is about equipping local church leaders and laymen around the world to serve their own communities with the Gospel; “Evangelize” which is about provides evangelism training tools and opportunities through several coordinated strategies; and “Establish” which is about equipping them to make disciples, develop leaders and plant churches. I like that ambitious but humble approach. It’s about how guys like Vasily can help local people do what they want to do by adding his resources to their efforts and goals.

If anyone is looking for a worthwhile cause to support financially, contributions can be made through e3 Partners Ministry. More than an enjoyable lunch partner, Vasily opened my eyes to a more global perspective of my world.

Women’s Modesty — Prudish or Godly?

Drake Torp-Pederson, a wonderful pastor and a dear friend of mine, had listened to the podcast of my chapel talk last spring and sent me a web site that reinforced my point.  I was addressing the need for purity and modesty on the part of our female students at Dallas Seminary.  (Last Fall I aimed at the guys).  My intension was to emphasize the positive picture of how women should dress (i.e. to accentuate the loveliness of their countenance) as well as their heart (i.e. a lovely internal disposition).  Drake pointed me to a blog maintained by four women who dare to talk frankly about the “biblical woman” and unpopular things like “modesty” with a positive, fun spirit.  Clicking on one of their links takes you to this pdf-file which I think is a wonderfully practical guideline for women to follow. 

 

A few years ago, these comments reflected the reactions of an Asian Christian to the dress codes of Western women.  It’s worth a read.  The picture on this post comes from that link.  

I like this kind of discussion to focus on two questions concerning women’s dress: (1) What does your appearance communicate to others? (2) Is that what you want to communicate?  (3) To what extent do you glorify God with the way He has gifted you?   And for the many attractive women who have discovered the secrets of dressing well, thanks.

Full-time Work Less Appealing to Women — Getting Smarter

The latest Pew Social Trends report states the facts. But I have several politically incorrect reasons for why full-time work for mothers is not good for them, their family or their children. (1) Everybody is exhausted in the evening so the family unit gets only each other’s dregs. (2) The added income may add to the collection of “things” but not necessarily enrich the quality of life for the family. (3) Women typically feel crushed by the pressure to “have to” share the financial support of the family, while men typically feel grounded by the same pressure. (4) Mom is uniquely suited to be the cohesive glue that holds a family together emotionally and relationally, but when she working full time, she can’t do it all. (5) The cultural emphasis on individualized activities, compulsive consumerism, and high achievement tends to fracture relationships and rupture attachment bonds that are so important for healthy living. (6) The glorification of full-time work for women (giving your best to your employer’s dream) makes it difficult to understand the grand-scale significance of a home-based loving mom. Our women have been duped by a myth and are in danger of losing the vision of one of the most important callings of all times. It takes all you’ve got to build a healthy, godly home.

Pew Social Trends report: In the span of the past decade, full-time work outside the home has lost some of its appeal to mothers. This trend holds both for mothers who have such jobs and those who don’t. Just 21% of working mothers and 16% of at-home mothers now say working full-time would be their ideal situation. © 2007, American Counseling Association, 5999 Stevenson Avenue, Alexandria, VA 22304. Telephone: 703/823-9800. Email: fburtnett@counseling.org. Permission is hereby granted to reproduce anything contained in this newsletter as long as the American Counseling Association is identified as the original source of the information.

Attachment and Addiction

Tomorrow evening I will be giving a lecture on “Attachment, Attunement and Addiction.”  Betty Dicken, pictured at right, does a superhuman, multitasking job of coordinating several lecture series in Dallas and Houston to represent The Meadows.  The Meadows is an inpatient facility in Arizona specializing in the treatment of a broad range of addictions.   If therapists are not already thinking in terms of relational attachment, I hope this lecture will inspire them to start. If they are already attuned to relationship dynamics as a primary need in individuals, I hope this lecture will encourage them to continue and dig more deeply into it.

I want to promote the only substantive resource I could find that relates attachment to addiction, the excellent book by Dr. Philip Flores, Addiction as an Attachment Disorder. He reviews attachment theory and then applies it to addiction. 

The gist of the lecture is this: Children who are not securely attached (bonded) as infants, are limited in their ability to “connect” as they grow older. These relationship deficits or ruptures result in pain, anguish, fear, etc. The older person is then more prone to seek chemicals, inadequate relationships or addictive behaviors to deal with the deeper negative feelings. These attempts to regulate self-repair are doomed to failure. That’s the bad news.

The good news is that psychotherapy (ideally group therapy plus AA) serves to sever the ties to the addictive “pain killer” and then replace the voids with healthy relationships that are healing and sustaining. Hopefully, the client will then carry that more relational capacity outward into their world of family and friends.  But the therapy must exemplify secure attachment characteristics, not just being nice, not intellectual teaching of principles, not objective interpretation, etc.   I think this quality of therapy is difficult because it demands authenticity from the therapist — no room for hiding. 

The graph below shows four different styles of adult attachment. If you want to see where you operate, answer the questionnaire by Fraley, Waller and Brennan and they’ll plot your dot. I scored in the low anxiety range right on the line between “Secure” and “Dismissing-Avoidant.”

Now I wonder what keeps the church from providing that same healing function within the wounded part of the body of Christ. I think we don’t think we are open to research and applied relationship training that comes from the “secular” world. Too many of us “conservative evangelical” folks are afraid to wonder very far from that which is authorized directly by scripture. I’m more inclined to think that something is helpful as long as it doesn’t oppose scripture. It’s particularly good I think if it helps us connect more fully in our significant relationships. Furthermore, I think these insights and this kind of healing can help us not only to connect better to significant other people, but also to connect more intimately with God Himself.  Maybe this is what Jesus had in mind when he reminded us that we are the salt and light of the earth.  Maybe James was thinking about this level of healing when he wrote, “confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed” (rather than evaluating and judging one another).  Maybe John had this kind of secure attachment in mind when he quoted Jesus saying, “My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me.  I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand.”

Never Feel Sorry for Yourself

If your computer pulls up You-Tube, watch this amazing video of overcoming a physical challenge.

What Are They? Why Do They Do That?

Those are the questios my wife and I were asking a few weeks ago while dining In Galveston at Pier One. These black birds perch on the ropes that moore the ship and occassionally one spreads its wings so your attention goes to that one. My wife thought they were lifting their arms in praise of God. I suggested that they were airing out their armpits. I found the answers in the Audubon Society Encyclopedia of North American Birds by Terres. These birds are called Cormorants. It seems that they got short-changed because their feathers are not adequately waterproof and become so sodden after they have been fishing underwater that they must hold them open in the sun and breezes to dry. How good of God to equip them with an alternative way of staying dry.

So what’s the point of all this discovery for a guy who’s not really into bird watching? I realized that my favorite two kinds of questions to ask are “What?” and “Why?” It reminds me of the old Rudyard Kipling poem from the story, The Elephant’s Child, part of which goes:

I keep six honest serving-men:
(They taught me all I knew)
Their names are What and Where and When
And How and Why and Who.

Interesting how well fourth grade equips you for a life of learning!

Parable of the Soils: My Receptivity

The familiar parable of the “Sower and the Seed” (Matthew 13:1-23) is really a parable of the soils on which the seed falls. The Bible clearly indicates this in words, and Jesus’ interpretation makes it perfectly clear, but the pictures of the ground in Chorazin (just north of Capernaum) that I took last month show it vividly. (click on photo to see full size)

Some seeds fell beside the road and birds came and devoured them

= (one who hears the word of the kingdom and does not understand it)

Some seeds fell upon the rocky places and sprang up quickly, but scorched by the sun and withered

= (one who hears the word but has no firm root and falls away)

Some seeds fell among the thorns and were choked out by the thorns

= (one who hears the word but worry of the world and riches causes to wither)

Some seeds fell on good soil and yielded crops

= (one who hears the word and understands it and bears fruit in his life)

Applications to me?

1. I want my life to receive God’s word, digest it, allow it to take root, and then bear fruit that can be useful for the edification and health of others.

2. My life is not about achieving so much as receiving and keeping my life clean of resistance (to God’s word), superficiality, and worries. Stay out of the way and let the seed do its thing.

3. I’d like to “see” parables in the natural things of everyday life around here, in the format of “Here’s something that illustrates a principle of life with God.”

Inspired by Colorado Fire Chaplains

I just returned from a delightful couple of days in Keystone, Colorado where I met with chaplains of fire departments from various counties in the Denver area (though Dan and Jim drove over 300 miles from near the Wyoming border to attend). These are men of solid character, great honor and unswerving dedication to their calling. When I asked “Why do you do what you do?” They all resonated with one man’s answer: “I cannot not do it.”

What do they do? They are often dispatched to death scenes to deal with those grieving. Sometimes they provide stress intervention sessions to emergency responders following an unusually stressful incident. Sometimes they provide counseling to firefighters for professional debriefing and for personal marriage counseling.

The focus of our meeting was on helping folks grieve their losses following a trauma. We readily agreed on the importance of a trauma victim telling their story, but what if they’re so stunned they can’t talk? So we talked about how to help a person talk.

I spent some time complaining about the use of “stages” of grief, and was happy to be able to share the results of the Yale study that I have written about in a previous blog post. This view graphically shows how several emotions can be going on at the same time as well as showing a realistic time frame for various elements of the grieving process.

We explored important areas of self care. Ken Rice, the Lake Dillon Fire-Rescue Chaplain (pictured at right), who organized the whole training session shared the poignant phrase of “compassion fatigue.” This is so much more elegant the “burnout” and describes what’s happening so clearly. I found a self-test for compassion fatigue that might be helpful to operationalize these subjective feelings.

Future discussions? Several, like “How does a warrior include his wife in his personal struggles when his noble intentions are to protect her from the dangers of his job? Or like “How does a guy who is more concerned about other people’s needs recognize his own personal needs and receive support from others?” Or like “What are some techniques for helping firefighters admit to their softer side and get real with their struggles?” Or like “How are the best ways to deal with the field-marshal type colleagues who don’t believe in God and/or don’t think people fire fighters should be comforted?” I’d love to see the outcomes of those discussions.

Ken and Melissa Rice hosted me in their home for two nights and showed me all around this beautiful Summit County. He’s one of those rare guys who is highly respected by everyone in the community and whose private life is consistent with his public life. He’s the real deal. I guess we solved most of world’s problems in his living room and on our short hikes. By the way, if you ever want to buy a home in that area, Melissa is the realtor to call. She’s awesome. Check out her web site.

All in all, I left with the strong sense of importance of the Christian virtues of grace that are so often marginalized in our male culture. For those who might not see the significance of what these chaplains do, I suggest you reflect on the following statements from Paul and Jesus:

“. . . encourage the time, help the weak, be patient with everyone.” (1 Thessalonians 5:14)

“. . . let each of you regard one another as more important that himself” (Philippians 2:3)

“Come unto Me, all who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” (Matthew 11:28)

These chaplains exemplify these Christian virtues. Their example motivates me to serve others with even more devotion. May the Lord protect them and bless them.

 

 

Faith and Discouragement? It’s Always Too Soon to Quit!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This view of Israel, the “land flowing with milk and honey” was taken four weeks ago from the top of Mt. Nebo in Jordon. You can see the northern part of the Dead Sea ¾ of the way up the left side. The faint green spot on the right near the horizon is Jericho. This is what Moses saw just before he died at age 120 (Deuteronomy 32:48-52)! Now if I were Moses, I would have had to hold back a lot of cynicism. “You led me through the desert for forty years for this?” Or perhaps, “Have you ever thought of selling real estate in Siberia?” Then again, if I were Joshua, I’d be inclined to say, “You want me to risk my neck to possess this barren rocky desert?” But, as Dr. Bramer reminded us, “It’s always too soon to quit.” Joshua, by faith, did take two million hot, smelly Hebrews into this land and conquered it. And Moses did finally stand inside the Promised Land — at the transfiguration of Christ along with Elijah (Matthew 17). He could never have predicted that treat in his wildest imagination. And that’s the way it is with God and faith.

I was impressed with the industry and perseverance of the Israelis today. They have turned this land into acres of productive watermelon fields, date palms, fruit trees, and much more. They have done all this out of their own effort without being particularly obedient to God. Now I wonder how wonderfully lush that land could become if occupied by God’s people who are obedient to Him. The “milk and honey” probably refers to goats’ milk and bees’ honey, more typical of an agricultural society. The abundance of these blessings always hinged on Israel’s obedience and faith (Numbers 14:8; Deuteronomy 6:3; 11:9; Joshua 5:6; Jeremiah 11:5; 32:22). Barry Beitzel authored the very helpful reference, The Moody Atlas of Bible Lands, and writes:

“I share the opinion that to say the Promised Land will “flow” with milk and honey is to declare that it is a place that will experience fertility as a function of faith and as a consequence of obedience. It is to declare that showers from heaven will be responsible for creating a land that will “flow” with prosperity and fertility. It is to see once again that this land has been specially molded by a sovereign God. “

The huge gap between my natural reaction to circumstances and my supernatural view of God’s faithfulness challenges me to lean more on the promises of God and to persevere through apparent obstacles. God is good beyond my wildest imagination. It is always too soon to quit.