How to Get to Know One Another

getting-to-knowWhat kind of questions do you ask someone to get to know them?  I have always reacted with a bit of frustration when I hear people say, “Be sure you get to know the other person before you enter into a permanent relationship.”   Most people don’t know how to do that.  Now, finally, Julie Ferwerda, shows us how.  Her book, The Perfect Fit,  contains over a hundred questions that you can use to start personal discussions.  The context for her book is premarital awareness of your partner.  The application goes far beyond that.  My wife and I (married 33 years) took this list to dinner with us this evening and started discussing some of the statements.  We dealt with two of them.  You won’t run out of material for a long time.  I share them all with you and also encourage you to check out her blog.   She’s clear, personable and insightful.

Work through these questions together. There’s no hurry; take all the time you need. But there’s one rule.  You must be completely, gut-wrenchingly honest!

PURPOSE
My biggest goal in life is to _____.
I find satisfaction in _____.
Before I die I want to _____.
I am here because _____.
My dream is to someday _____.
I will be ready to die when I’ve _____.

PAST
The best part about my childhood was _____.
The worst part about my childhood was _____.
The scariest thing that ever happened to me was _____.
Something I¹m afraid to tell anyone about my past is _____.
A past situation that could affect my future is _____.
I’ve had [ ___ ] sexual partners before this relationship.
The way I feel about my past relationship history is _____.

WHO I AM
My biggest fears in life are _____.
My biggest needs in life are _____.
My most frequent mood is _____.
The thing I hate most is _____.
The thing I worry about most is _____.
Three things I want to change about myself are _____.
Three things I really like about myself are _____.
My most common daydream is _____.
I get angry when _____.
My favorite kind of house pet is _____.
My overall opinion about myself is _____.
I think my greatest personality asset is _____.
My greatest personality weakness is _____.
I find the greatest enjoyment in _____.
The sin I struggle most with is _____.
I’m most ashamed about _____.
Someone I greatly admire is _____.
The way I feel about death is _____.
I think war is _____.
I feel happy when _____.
I have no use for people who _____.
When someone acts rude to me, I _____.
When someone is unfair, I _____.
I feel jealous of _____.
My dream vacation would include _____.
The things I find the most fun are _____.
My favorite sport(s) is _____.
Playing sports in my future is a [ ___ ] on a scale from one to ten.
Watching sports on T.V. is a [ ___ ] for me on a scale from one to ten.
I am disgusted by _____.
When I am afraid (substitute sad, angry, happy, lonely, tired), I _____.
My hobbies include _____.
I spend [ ___ ] hours a week at my hobbies.
What I really want when I am sick is _____.
The part of my body I am most bothered by is _____.
The part of my body I am most happy with is _____.
What hurts me most is _____.
The best (and worst) thing about life is _____.
The first thing I notice about someone is _____.
When someone is angry with me, I _____.
When someone is disappointed in me, I _____.
The worst (and best) thing about the opposite sex is _____.
Being teachable means _____.
People (including me) should say they¹re sorry when _____.

MARRIAGE
My reasons for wanting to get married are _____.
I think the keys to a good marriage are _____.
The biggest mistakes I made in past relationships are _____.
The area I¹ve grown the most in relationships is _____.
Relationships in the past have taught me _____.
I¹ve always viewed marriage as _____.
My parents had a [ ___ ] marriage.
I learned [ ___ ] about marriage from my parents.
I think the things in marriage you should be honest about are _____.
The areas I¹m concerned about being married are _____.
The areas I¹m excited about being married are _____.
Marriage for me will be giving up _____.
Marriage for me will be gaining _____.
I think separate vacations are _____.
Traveling together is _____.
When having conflict, I like to: cool off by myself before discussing the
problem; discuss and work the problem out right away; pretend there is no
problem and just move on; analyze the problem as to what it is, why it
happened, how to avoid it in the future, etc _____.
Arguing and or fighting is _____.
The best way to handle disagreements is to _____.
What I fear most about marriage is _____.
What I anticipate most about marriage is _____.
The role of in-laws in marriage is _____.
The thing that will make me most secure (and insecure) in marriage is _____.
Dating (each other) after you are married is _____.
Love is _____.
“Till death do us part” means _____.
I think people should be allowed to divorce when _____.
For me, divorce is _____.

SEX
I think sex is/will be _____.
I think a healthy marriage involves sex [ ___ ] per week or [ ___  ] per month.
I’m aware that real sex in marriage differs from Hollywood in the following ways _____.
I think being naked in front of someone is _____.
On a scale from one to ten, sex is a [ ___ ] in importance in a good marriage for me.
What sex means to me is _____.
Talking about sex feels _____.
Being spontaneous or creative in marriage sex sounds _____.

MONEY/FINANCES
I think money is _____.
Spending money is hard/easy for me because _____.
The biggest waste of money is _____.
The best investment of money is _____.
I have [ ] in personal debt.
I use credit cards for _____.
I think car loans are _____.
Saving up to buy big ticket items is _____.
My savings plan is _____.
My retirement plan is _____.
The way I feel about tithing is _____.
I hope my spouse is a: saver, spender, somewhere in between.
On a scale from one to ten, financial security is [ ___ ] in importance to me.
I want to save up to buy a _____.
The kind of house I want to own someday is _____.
Other items I hope to own are _____.
Charities I want to contribute to are _____.

PHYSICAL APPEARANCE
Is my own appearance important to me?
Is it important that my spouse maintains his/her current physical appearance/weight throughout our marriage?
How important is hygiene to me, i.e. brushing teeth, taking showers, deodorant, etc.?
How do I like to dress for special occasions? For church? For dates? For work?
Do I want to be able to have a say in my spouse¹s choice of clothing, hairstyle, or general appearance?
Do I care if they have a say in mine?
Is cologne/perfume important to me?
What physical features are attractive to me?

HOUSEHOLD
How clean is a home that is comfortable for me?
What is my favorite thing about home?
What can I not tolerate in my home (noise, clutter, dirt, pets, unmade beds, etc.)?
How many/which jobs do I think I should do to keep my house maintained?
How many/which jobs do I think my spouse should do around the house?
Who should keep the yard maintained (spouse, both, or hired out)?
Who will maintain the cars (spouse, both, or hired out)?
Who will make decisions for and carry out decorating the home (spouse, both, hired out)?
Who will cook family meals?
How many meals do I expect to cook or for my spouse to cook daily?
Who will do the shopping?
Who will do laundry?
Who will do the dishes?
Who will pay bills?

RECREATION
My idea of recreation is _____.
To me, camping means _____.
My favorite sports are _____.
The way I relax on the weekends is by _____.
What areas of recreation do I want my spouse to accompany me on?
What areas of recreation do I want to do with my friends or alone?
How often will I want to spend time away from the family in my own recreation?

KIDS
I think kids are _____.
Kids get on my nerves when they _____.
I love it when kids _____.
The way I feel about other people¹s kids is _____.
The way kids usually feel about me is _____.
Kids should be disciplined when _____.
The way I want to discipline my kids is _____.
The role of a parent is _____.
I want [ ___ ] kids someday.
How important is showing physical affection to my kids?
Is telling my kids I love them important?
How much time do I think I should spend with my kids daily?
How important is two-parent interaction and discipline?
I think the bottom line for discipline should be with the (mom or dad)?
How important is it for kids to respect their parents in my home?
When it comes to discipline, I think I will be: lenient, strict, or somewhere in-between?
Where do I want my kids educated (private school, Christian school, home school, etc.)?

HEALTH/HISTORY
Taking care of myself and my health is [ ___ ] important to me.
I think a healthy lifestyle includes _____.
Physical exercise is _____.
To me, eating right means _____.
My idea of a good work out is _____.
My life fitness plan is to _____.
My health problems (present or past) are _____.
I take medication for _____.
I think life long-term supports are _____.
People in my family have a history of the following health problems _____.
People in my family have died at the ages of _____.

INTIMACY
I feel loved when _____.
The way I show love to people is _____.
Which of the following are ways I feel most loved? Time spent with, words of  encouragement/praise, gifts, being touched and hugged in a non-sexual manner, when people do things for (serve) me.
Showing affection in front of kids or friends is _____.
Intimacy is developed through _____.
I think a good marriage needs at least [ ___ ] hours a day (or week) of focused  communication to stay connected.

WORK
My idea of a dream job is _____.
I think the average number of hours a person can regularly work a week and
maintain family commitment is _____.
Providing for the family is whose responsibility?
My career plans are _____.
How important is a steady job to me?
What kind of work ethic do I want in my mate?
Where do I draw the line with a job that demands too much time?
My plans for retirement are _____.

SPIRITUALITY/RELIGION
The way I feel about God is _____.
I think the way God feels about me is _____.
On a scale of one to ten, going to church is [ ___ ] in importance for my life and future.
I want to raise my kids in the [ ___ ] faith.
Will God be the center of my home? Why or why not?
If yes, how will I make Him the center?
Prayer is something I do when _____.
To me, the Bible is _____.
Other religions besides Christianity are _____.
Eternal life is accomplished by _____.
Select and discuss the following. To me, God is: personal, real, distant, vague, angry, happy, loving, harsh, demanding, gentle, kind, good, make-believe, living, powerful, weak, or other.
The way to have a relationship with God is _____.
For me, including God in my daily life is _____.
On a scale from one to ten, obeying God and His word is a [ ___ ] to me.
When I die, I _____.

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4 Responses to How to Get to Know One Another

  1. Mat Nayie says:

    Wow..great question you get there dude

  2. Jessy mark says:

    I RECEIVED A PROPOSAL FROM MY COLLEAGUE ,LAST WEEK .I WAS VERY CONFUSED & COULD NOT MAKE UP MY MIND !
    BUT ,THANKS TO JULIE FERWERDA’S BOOK . NOW I WILL KEEP IN MIND SOME QUESTIONS WHICH ARE VERY IMP. BEFORE ENTERING INTO A RELATIONSHIP.
    ” I PROMISE I WILL BE HONEST “

  3. LJagers says:

    Okay, Jessy. That’s exactly how I imagine this material being used. It puts more power in your hands to check things out yourself and gives you solid information to base your decision on.

  4. ks rives says:

    Come tell us what you want to do before you die:

    http://www.beforeidieiwantto.org

    click on the “submit” button. Hope to see your photo in our PO box!

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