Your Marriage Can Survive an Affair

Sadly, there are as many marriages broken by infidelity as ever before.  Happily, there are more resources than ever before to help marriages heal.  About 70% of those who seek counseling are successful in restoring their marriage.  I understand that the December issue of Redbook Magazine will have an excellent article,
“Could Your Marriage Survive An Affair?”

Glad I checked it out because it led me to an awesome resource that Peggy Vaughan offers.  Anyone interested in learning more about this topic ought to include Peggy’s web site.

It’s written from the point of view of people who have experienced it.  While the article that I wrote some years ago is written for counselors, I’m gratified to see the principles overlap.  I’m also interested to note that the dynamics of recovering from sexual infidelity are the same as those involved in recovering from alcohol/drug addiction and pornography.  It’s a lengthy process and it takes a lot of work, but it’s worth it to learn about integrity, transparency and trust at higher levels of reality.  Even the offended party can benefit from recovery from betrayal.  It’s a godly trait to be able to forgive without being naive (or stupid) and to negotiate a stronger basis for an intimate relationship.  Fortunately, God doesn’t require us to be perfectly perfect before allowing us to enjoy a secure relationship with Him.

Thanksgiving Roots Rather than Routine

I admit that I often fall victim to holiday routines.  Thanksgiving Day so often turns into highlighting the turkey, the football, the parade, and the relaxation.  But not this year.  Thanks to our friends, the Torp-Pedersons, who sent us a book, Thanksgiving: A Time to Remember by Barbara Rainey, our family reviewed the events of 1620.  That was the year when a boatload of people from England landed at Plymouth after 97 days at sea.  Sadly, their timing was poor.

Bad news . . . They arrived in November, in the dead of winter.

Good news . . . The Patuxet Indians who used to inhabit that area and who had murdered every white man who had ever landed in their territory had all died from a mysterious plague four years earlier!  But one of them, Squanto, was in England at the time, having been captured and taken as a slave.  He had returned to his land only six months prior to find himself a man without a tribe.  It was he who helped the new arrivals adjust and survive.  Interesting to me how God turns tragic situations into blessings.

Bad news . . . That first winter was so severe that half of the new arrivals died of influenza and other sicknesses. They had to ration the little food that they had.  Sometimes counting out kernels of corn.

Good news . . . An Indian named Samoset had learned English through contacts with English fishermen and was able to help the Pilgrims get settled and taught them how to plant corn with fish as fertilizer.  Another Indian named Massasoit helped prevent annihilation by seven neighboring tribes who were plotting to kill all the English.

Bad news . . . After making it through the first summer and celebrating a bountiful harvest and thinking they had enough food for the next winter, another ship, the Fortune, arrived bringing 35 new arrivals.  They nearly doubled the population of the new settlement but arrived with no food, clothing or other provisions.  Back to half rations!

Good news . . . When the planting season of 1623 came upon them, they learned a basic principle of motivation: Ownership increases productivity.  “Each family was given a parcel of land to plant for its own use.”  They produced enough corn to sustain them as well as all the people from the next ship, Anne.

Best news . . . They never lost sight of their God as their refuge and their provider.    They could have used many of their circumstances to justify their murmuring and complaining (like the Hebrews in the wilderness after the Exodus).  But they established a model for us to follow.  Recognize God as the source of all our blessings; thank God for the loving deeds He does on our behalf (even when we don’t understand all His ways); surrender our lives to His care.

I’m thankful that they chose to step out sacrificially to create a new civil government, originating with the Mayflower Compact.  I’m thankful that their lives demonstrate God’s providential care.  I’m thankful that God took the trouble to show himself to us in human form in Jesus Christ who through His death and resurrection provides the way for me to have a personal relationship with Him.

Talk to Kids, Don’t Yell

When I was young, I considered myself to be a patient person.  Then I had children.  On several occasions, I lost it.  “If at first you don’t hear me”, I thought,  “I’ll yell a little louder.”  (The cheerleaders used to chant that line at high school basketball games).  The kids had a lot to learn, but I also had to learn to grow up.  At best, yelling brings about frozen silence, maybe a modicum of compliance on a good day.  But it never accomplishes what you want.

When our children were adults (late 20’s) I asked them what they remembered about my various styles of discipline.  How my eyes were opened.  They said, “When you yelled at us, we had no idea what we did wrong or why you were mad, only THAT you were mad.”  So my being mad was the main focus.  “When you explained to us what we did wrong and why it was wrong, then the discipline made sense.  We then figured out ways to do better next time.”  I learned that yelling stifles learning and growth; explanation with consequences enhances it.

The Bible puts it well in one of the Proverbs:

“Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits.”

That kind of power should caution us to guard our speech.

The best explanation of this verse and other proverbs on the topic of the power of words is a sermon by Tim Keller, Pastor of Redeemer Presbyterian Church in NY City.  You can (and should) order this sermon by clicking here.

Our well-read daughter just tipped us off to a couple of good articles in the New York Times that reinforce the need to correct a current harmful trend.  One article makes a case for how yelling is the new spanking.   The other article emphases the importance of talking to your child from birth onward.

If you’re interested in additional tips on mothering, consider Dr. Shiela Cason’s blog and also  Mommy, M.D.

Bringing Dignity to Women

I have enjoyed promoting good people who are doing good things.  Stephanie Reese is one of these people.  She is devoting her life to helping women break free from the sex industry through an organization called “New Friends New Life” .  Click there and be sure to watch their informative video.

Stephanie is looking for three things: (1) female counselors in the Dallas/FW area who could counsel with some of these women at no cost, (2) free office space that Stephanie could use to counsel with these women herself, and (3) some support money to help her offer these services free to the women who cannot afford payments.

Read her letter and her donation form.

You can contact her at sreese@newfriendsnewlife.org

Where Is There Virtue? Where Is There Sin?

“We’re gluttons for infographics . . .” starts a fascinating result of a study by some clever folks at Kansas State. They’ve figured  out a way to define the seven deadly sins with statistics that can be measured.  I noticed how poorly the “Bible Belt” scored.  Somehow the good theology isn’t translating into the “goodness” of the culture.

On a more personal level, I’m struck by how easy it is to rationalize sin.  Gluttony?  “We have to eat, don’t we?”  Wrath?  “It’s really righteous indignation!”  At least it’s easy to justify my own sin.  I’d be interested in some comments about your “confessions” and your attitudes toward those sins.

I’m also struck by how we (okay, how “I”) tend to normalize sin, like a little bit of it here and there keeps me from being too much of a boring goodie-two-shoes.  Basically, we tend to sin whenever we assume that God does NOT want the best for us and that my ways of seeking pleasure and avoiding pain are for my ultimate good.  Consider how many people react negatively to the Ten Commandments as though they deprive us from having a happy life.  As I understand the Bible, every commandment was given for our good.  This implies that every time we break any commandment, it will hurt us somehow, even if the impact is not immediately seen.

I think the Bible has a good solution to the problem of trying to avoid sin.  Instead of just trying to avoid the myriad of ways we can be bad (immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmities, strife, jealousy, outbursts of anger, disputes, dissension, factions, envying , drunkenness, carousings, and things like these — Galatians 5:19-21),   the Bible  recommends that we pursue righteous living.   It’s proactive.  It challenges to grow up and do good.  It keeps us dependent on the grace that Jesus has purchased for us because we can’t do it in our own strength.

My question is this: “Why is so hard for us to resist self-gratifications that are harmful to us instead of pursuing the good life?”  Ideas?  Enter your comments.

Severely abused women now have a resource

Over two years ago, I posted some information about Wing Haven and expressed excitement about the concept.  Now it’s a reality.   Wing Haven is a relocation center for severely abused women–the next step for them is death if they try to leave their abuser.  After years of unbelievably hard work and sacrifice Wing Haven is ready for clients.   It provides a chance for women to heal physically, to strengthen emotionally, to engage socially, and to mature spiritually.  If you are aware of any woman and her children (five and under) who need a safe place where she can learn of the Lord and literally rebuild her life, help them get help at:

Wing Haven (click here for their web page)
2059 Camden Avenue
San Jose, CA 95124
408-209-3500
info@winghaven.org

Domestic violence need not pose a dead end street.

What Your Adolescent Needs from You

Emily Trebolo is a former student of mine who has gone on to establish herself professionally.  What impressed me about her when we talked recently is how fervently she believed in a parent’s capacity to meet the needs of their teenage children.  So I asked her to write a piece about what those needs are and how the parents can meet them.  Here’s what she said:

When they walk in the door you don’t know what to expect. It feels like you blinked and what once was your sweet little girl is now a fast moving ball of emotions.   Some days your precious angel acts like the sweet child you raised. The next moment she is having a melt down and it is all your fault. Not only are you tired of the ups and downs, but also it seems like as soon as you figure out something she needs, the need switches. Sound familiar? If so, you must have arrived in the world of adolescents.

As a counselor at Christian Counseling Associates I work a lot with adolescents. I love having the opportunity to help navigate this challenging road for teens and also their parents.  Through my adventures with these soon-to-be young adults, I have found a few recurring themes. In the emotional chaos, parents often want to know, “What in the world does my child really need from me?” I have found a pattern of three common things your adolescent needs, and typically has no idea how to ask you for it.

Need #1 – I need you to teach me that I am valuable

There is a very good chance that your teen is confused about what value is. It is contrary to everything they are observing in society to believe that value isn’t something based on what they do.  Your precious one is valuable not because of what they do, or who at school likes them, but because God made them. Therefore, they need you to educate them on their own worth.

Christian Ethics for Counselors

Question: Is there anything unique about Christian ethics?

Answer: Yes.

On February 27, 2009 three psychologists led a workshop in Dallas to explain.  I think this is a good example of how CAPS as an organization seeks to integrate the social sciences with Christianity.  Here’s the abstract followed by a two-part audio of their presentation.

Abstract: When integrating Christian faith and psychotherapy, unique ethical dilemmas may arise. This presentation will discuss many of these ethical dilemmas and how they occur in clinical practice. As part of this presentation, we will discuss our research related to ethical dilemmas that may arise when integrating Christian faith and psychotherapy. As part of our research, we surveyed 362 members of the Christian Association for Psychological Studies who are practicing clinicians. Research participants responded to an ethics survey designed to look at ethical behaviors, ethical beliefs, and ethics training related to Christian psychotherapy.

Click here to listen to the first half:  Christian Ethics I

Click here to listen to the second half: Christian Ethics II

Thanks to Drs. John Eric Swenson, Gregory Schneller, and Randolph Sanders for offering this 3-hour presentation.

We had a good turnout with a strong sense of community:

Marriage: God’s Design and Purpose

It’s ironic to me that Jean-Paul Sartre penned the thought, “No finite point has meaning without an infinite reference point.”  Marriage finds it’s meaning in our Infinite reference point, God.   Otherwise, we argue without resolve on such issues as who has the “right to marry” and what are the grounds for dissolving a marriage.   One of my students at Dallas Theological Seminary has written a paper that makes this blueprint for marriage clear.  I share it with you and ask for your comments.

TO GLORIFY GOD THROUGH DISPLAYING HIS ATTRIBUTES: A STUDY OF GOD’S DESIGN FOR MARRIAGE

Meredith Maris Ziafat

April 6, 2009

Marriage as the union of man and woman as one flesh finds its origin in God’s creation. As revealed in Genesis 2:18, after the creation of man in God’s image, “the LORD God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him.’” Upon the creation of woman out of the side of man, Genesis 2:24 declares that it is “for this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.” If the union of man and woman finds its roots in God’s creation, and the chief end of man is to glorify God, it follows that the chief end of marriage is to display God’s glory. To display God’s glory is to reveal His nature. His nature is revealed through His divine attributes. As seen in Genesis 1:27, “God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them.” The image of God is revealed through both male and female, as ordained by God in creation. Marriage, it follows, as the union of male and female, most closely reveals God’s image. Thus, the marriage relationship is the primary arena through which God allows man to glorify Him through displaying attributes of His divine nature.

Faithfulness

How to Apologize

We hear a lot about the virtues of forgiving others.  We’ve had it ingrained in our brains:  “Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.”  But how about the other side of that issue.  Namely, how do I ASK for forgiveness?  I think a lot of marriage wounds could be healed much more effectively if we knew how to apologize.  Every married couple and every close relationship will encounter conflicts that need to be reconciled.   I addressed this topic a couple of weeks ago in a Dallas Theological Seminary chapel talk in which  I offered this four step approach to making your apologies complete.  When you have created an offense,

1.  own it,

2. regret it,

3. understand the impact of it, and

4. ask for forgiveness for it.

Click here to listen to the 30-minute talk.   I’d be interested in your additional thoughts.

I appreciated reading Mike Paul’s blog post on The Art of Apologizing because he goes into a bit more detail that I did and it’s helpful.  You can see it by clicking on the dog picture which came from his blog.