Talk to Kids, Don’t Yell

When I was young, I considered myself to be a patient person.  Then I had children.  On several occasions, I lost it.  “If at first you don’t hear me”, I thought,  “I’ll yell a little louder.”  (The cheerleaders used to chant that line at high school basketball games).  The kids had a lot to learn, but I also had to learn to grow up.  At best, yelling brings about frozen silence, maybe a modicum of compliance on a good day.  But it never accomplishes what you want.

When our children were adults (late 20’s) I asked them what they remembered about my various styles of discipline.  How my eyes were opened.  They said, “When you yelled at us, we had no idea what we did wrong or why you were mad, only THAT you were mad.”  So my being mad was the main focus.  “When you explained to us what we did wrong and why it was wrong, then the discipline made sense.  We then figured out ways to do better next time.”  I learned that yelling stifles learning and growth; explanation with consequences enhances it.

The Bible puts it well in one of the Proverbs:

“Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits.”

That kind of power should caution us to guard our speech.

The best explanation of this verse and other proverbs on the topic of the power of words is a sermon by Tim Keller, Pastor of Redeemer Presbyterian Church in NY City.  You can (and should) order this sermon by clicking here.

Our well-read daughter just tipped us off to a couple of good articles in the New York Times that reinforce the need to correct a current harmful trend.  One article makes a case for how yelling is the new spanking.   The other article emphases the importance of talking to your child from birth onward.

If you’re interested in additional tips on mothering, consider Dr. Shiela Cason’s blog and also  Mommy, M.D.

Bringing Dignity to Women

I have enjoyed promoting good people who are doing good things.  Stephanie Reese is one of these people.  She is devoting her life to helping women break free from the sex industry through an organization called “New Friends New Life” .  Click there and be sure to watch their informative video.

Stephanie is looking for three things: (1) female counselors in the Dallas/FW area who could counsel with some of these women at no cost, (2) free office space that Stephanie could use to counsel with these women herself, and (3) some support money to help her offer these services free to the women who cannot afford payments.

Read her letter and her donation form.

You can contact her at sreese@newfriendsnewlife.org

Where Is There Virtue? Where Is There Sin?

“We’re gluttons for infographics . . .” starts a fascinating result of a study by some clever folks at Kansas State. They’ve figured  out a way to define the seven deadly sins with statistics that can be measured.  I noticed how poorly the “Bible Belt” scored.  Somehow the good theology isn’t translating into the “goodness” of the culture.

On a more personal level, I’m struck by how easy it is to rationalize sin.  Gluttony?  “We have to eat, don’t we?”  Wrath?  “It’s really righteous indignation!”  At least it’s easy to justify my own sin.  I’d be interested in some comments about your “confessions” and your attitudes toward those sins.

I’m also struck by how we (okay, how “I”) tend to normalize sin, like a little bit of it here and there keeps me from being too much of a boring goodie-two-shoes.  Basically, we tend to sin whenever we assume that God does NOT want the best for us and that my ways of seeking pleasure and avoiding pain are for my ultimate good.  Consider how many people react negatively to the Ten Commandments as though they deprive us from having a happy life.  As I understand the Bible, every commandment was given for our good.  This implies that every time we break any commandment, it will hurt us somehow, even if the impact is not immediately seen.

I think the Bible has a good solution to the problem of trying to avoid sin.  Instead of just trying to avoid the myriad of ways we can be bad (immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmities, strife, jealousy, outbursts of anger, disputes, dissension, factions, envying , drunkenness, carousings, and things like these — Galatians 5:19-21),   the Bible  recommends that we pursue righteous living.   It’s proactive.  It challenges to grow up and do good.  It keeps us dependent on the grace that Jesus has purchased for us because we can’t do it in our own strength.

My question is this: “Why is so hard for us to resist self-gratifications that are harmful to us instead of pursuing the good life?”  Ideas?  Enter your comments.

Severely abused women now have a resource

Over two years ago, I posted some information about Wing Haven and expressed excitement about the concept.  Now it’s a reality.   Wing Haven is a relocation center for severely abused women–the next step for them is death if they try to leave their abuser.  After years of unbelievably hard work and sacrifice Wing Haven is ready for clients.   It provides a chance for women to heal physically, to strengthen emotionally, to engage socially, and to mature spiritually.  If you are aware of any woman and her children (five and under) who need a safe place where she can learn of the Lord and literally rebuild her life, help them get help at:

Wing Haven (click here for their web page)
2059 Camden Avenue
San Jose, CA 95124
408-209-3500
info@winghaven.org

Domestic violence need not pose a dead end street.

What Your Adolescent Needs from You

Emily Trebolo is a former student of mine who has gone on to establish herself professionally.  What impressed me about her when we talked recently is how fervently she believed in a parent’s capacity to meet the needs of their teenage children.  So I asked her to write a piece about what those needs are and how the parents can meet them.  Here’s what she said:

When they walk in the door you don’t know what to expect. It feels like you blinked and what once was your sweet little girl is now a fast moving ball of emotions.   Some days your precious angel acts like the sweet child you raised. The next moment she is having a melt down and it is all your fault. Not only are you tired of the ups and downs, but also it seems like as soon as you figure out something she needs, the need switches. Sound familiar? If so, you must have arrived in the world of adolescents.

As a counselor at Christian Counseling Associates I work a lot with adolescents. I love having the opportunity to help navigate this challenging road for teens and also their parents.  Through my adventures with these soon-to-be young adults, I have found a few recurring themes. In the emotional chaos, parents often want to know, “What in the world does my child really need from me?” I have found a pattern of three common things your adolescent needs, and typically has no idea how to ask you for it.

Need #1 – I need you to teach me that I am valuable

There is a very good chance that your teen is confused about what value is. It is contrary to everything they are observing in society to believe that value isn’t something based on what they do.  Your precious one is valuable not because of what they do, or who at school likes them, but because God made them. Therefore, they need you to educate them on their own worth.

Christian Ethics for Counselors

Question: Is there anything unique about Christian ethics?

Answer: Yes.

On February 27, 2009 three psychologists led a workshop in Dallas to explain.  I think this is a good example of how CAPS as an organization seeks to integrate the social sciences with Christianity.  Here’s the abstract followed by a two-part audio of their presentation.

Abstract: When integrating Christian faith and psychotherapy, unique ethical dilemmas may arise. This presentation will discuss many of these ethical dilemmas and how they occur in clinical practice. As part of this presentation, we will discuss our research related to ethical dilemmas that may arise when integrating Christian faith and psychotherapy. As part of our research, we surveyed 362 members of the Christian Association for Psychological Studies who are practicing clinicians. Research participants responded to an ethics survey designed to look at ethical behaviors, ethical beliefs, and ethics training related to Christian psychotherapy.

Click here to listen to the first half:  Christian Ethics I

Click here to listen to the second half: Christian Ethics II

Thanks to Drs. John Eric Swenson, Gregory Schneller, and Randolph Sanders for offering this 3-hour presentation.

We had a good turnout with a strong sense of community:

Marriage: God’s Design and Purpose

It’s ironic to me that Jean-Paul Sartre penned the thought, “No finite point has meaning without an infinite reference point.”  Marriage finds it’s meaning in our Infinite reference point, God.   Otherwise, we argue without resolve on such issues as who has the “right to marry” and what are the grounds for dissolving a marriage.   One of my students at Dallas Theological Seminary has written a paper that makes this blueprint for marriage clear.  I share it with you and ask for your comments.

TO GLORIFY GOD THROUGH DISPLAYING HIS ATTRIBUTES: A STUDY OF GOD’S DESIGN FOR MARRIAGE

Meredith Maris Ziafat

April 6, 2009

Marriage as the union of man and woman as one flesh finds its origin in God’s creation. As revealed in Genesis 2:18, after the creation of man in God’s image, “the LORD God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him.’” Upon the creation of woman out of the side of man, Genesis 2:24 declares that it is “for this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.” If the union of man and woman finds its roots in God’s creation, and the chief end of man is to glorify God, it follows that the chief end of marriage is to display God’s glory. To display God’s glory is to reveal His nature. His nature is revealed through His divine attributes. As seen in Genesis 1:27, “God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them.” The image of God is revealed through both male and female, as ordained by God in creation. Marriage, it follows, as the union of male and female, most closely reveals God’s image. Thus, the marriage relationship is the primary arena through which God allows man to glorify Him through displaying attributes of His divine nature.

Faithfulness

How to Apologize

We hear a lot about the virtues of forgiving others.  We’ve had it ingrained in our brains:  “Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.”  But how about the other side of that issue.  Namely, how do I ASK for forgiveness?  I think a lot of marriage wounds could be healed much more effectively if we knew how to apologize.  Every married couple and every close relationship will encounter conflicts that need to be reconciled.   I addressed this topic a couple of weeks ago in a Dallas Theological Seminary chapel talk in which  I offered this four step approach to making your apologies complete.  When you have created an offense,

1.  own it,

2. regret it,

3. understand the impact of it, and

4. ask for forgiveness for it.

Click here to listen to the 30-minute talk.   I’d be interested in your additional thoughts.

I appreciated reading Mike Paul’s blog post on The Art of Apologizing because he goes into a bit more detail that I did and it’s helpful.  You can see it by clicking on the dog picture which came from his blog.

Indonesia: Natural Disaster with Supernatural Follow-up

A few weeks before Thanksgiving, I joined a small group from PCPC (Park Cities Presbyterian Church) and traveled to Indonesia to offer a pilot counselor-training program to local believers; and they received it with great appreciation.  We taught various aspects of counseling theory, spiritual perspectives, and skill development.  The need for counseling has opened the door for a cooperative co-existence with Muslims. Laurie and I held individual training sessions with the local Tengku (the Indonesian title for an “Imam”) who was the Muslim spiritual leader of twelve villages in the area. I also had the privilege of meeting with students at a small seminary there.

In 2004 the world’s attention shifted to this area when an underwater earthquake just off the coast of Indonesia triggered a wall of water six stories high that crashed upon the city. In addition to wiping out 44% of their population, these waters carried huge ships like corks and left them stranded three miles inland.

Prior to the tsunami this Aceh (pronounced “Ah-chay”) region was one of the most dangerous places in the world for non-Muslims. Yet the tsunami’s flood waters opened the flood doors of aid and relief work to come in from the outside world. Not only were non-governmental organizations and expatriates welcomed for the first time, but also other Indonesians who were barred entrance before. Even more amazing was the tolerance of many of the Christians (both Indonesian and foreign). Nearly four years later, these open doors allowed our group to come and serve alongside our Christian brothers and sisters. Should we mourn these losses or delight in the opportunities?  Our answer is “Yes, both.”

While God has moved to create a large network of seminaries and training sites across Indonesia, our Christian brothers and sisters there still lack proper training in either the Bible or in counseling.  Nevertheless, I was very impressed and humbled by how they put into practice everything they know.  If we proportionally used the resources we possess here in the U.S., we would turn our whole country on end for Jesus.
I saw Indonesian Christians who are bold, but not reckless.  They are active in setting forth the Gospel for others to consider, but they are careful to stay respectful.   When I asked the seminary students if their plans to plant churches in this area were dangerous, they looked at me with puzzlement, as though saying, “Of course.  Isn’t it dangerous to be a Christian?”

Yes, we mourn the tragic loss of so many lives and structures, but we rejoice in the opportunity to help rebuild the people and to train them beyond what they could have known before. The long plane rides and the mosquitoes spawned by the rice paddies are but a small taste of the discomfort our Lord encountered when he left the intimate presence of his Father to come offer us salvation.  Our local church continues to scope out possible opportunities for counselor training, English as a foreign language training and medical missions.

By the way, this barge came to rest three miles inland!  The picture of our group (above) was taken atop the deck.

How to Handle Loss with Dignity

I just received a promotional piece on a new book that deals with a godly view of tragedy and suffering.  I responded to this one because the forward is written by Dr. Stephen Seamands (whom I like) who is from Asbury Theological Seminary (which I like) and the book included a lot of good quotes (which I appreciate because of their pithy depth)

The book is called Tragic Redemption: Healing the Guilt and Shame: by Hiram Johnson

The message is one of hope following a series of tragic losses.

Topics include depression, grief, alcoholism, suicide, childhood tapes, embracing our weaknesses, co-dependency, prayer, blessing, acceptance, intimacy, joy, the value of scars, and finding redemptive purpose and meaning in heartache and loss.  Wow!

The memorable quotes are as follows (I wish I could craft words like this):
“The extreme greatness of Christianity lies in the fact that it does not seek a supernatural remedy for suffering but a supernatural use for it.”  French Philosopher Simone Weil (1909-1943)
“Repressions are the power that makes one work against all the avowed and willful intentions. They are strong because they are deep in the vows of the child of the past.” Myron Madden
“Hope is a memory of the future.”  Gabriel Marcel
“When we avoid pain, we avoid healing.” author
“We belong to the power we choose to obey.” J.B. Phillips
“A thorn in the flesh is nothing in comparison to a thorn in our conscience.” Charles Spurgeon
“Pity can be described as falling in love with our sorrow.” author
“Many guilt ridden people take an unconscious pleasure from suffering.” author
“What happens within us is more important than what happens to us. We can not always choose the latter, but we can choose the former.” David Seamands
“Within every process of forgiveness, there is enshrined a great agony.” Macintosh
“Shame is a hemorrhage of the soul.” Jean Paul Sartre
“What comes into our mind when we first think of God is the most important thing about us.” A.W. Tozer
“I believe that Christ died for me because its incredible; I believe that He rose from the dead because its impossible.” author unknown
“The church is the only institution in the world whose membership is based on unworthiness.” Morrison
“Forgiving ourselves (or others) is taking a bold step into power.” author
“The problem is that people have enough to live by but nothing to live for, they have the means but no meaning.” Viktor Frankl

All this got me to thinking that suffering is a bummer mainly because it seems like the ruination of everything good and decent, the end of road.  God seems to see it differently, so I add one of my favorite quotes, not from the book, but from Paul in the Book (Romans 5:3)

“More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame,because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.”